Friday, May 6, 2011

Chuck Norris is Pissed

Wilson, Oklahoma — Chuck Norris may have a place in the hearts of Wilson residents, but it is the Senior Class of 2011 that has taken his place on the water tower.

A banner proclaiming “Seniors 2011” has been duct-taped over Norris’ name on the water tower and it has left some residents in an uproar. While there has not been an act of vandalism committed, Wilson authorities are concerned about safety issues.

Don't these kids follow Chuck Norris
When Chuck reads this story he will be visiting each member of the senior class of Wilson. They will be awakened in their beds with a round house kick to the head.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Call the Whambulance

Usama bin Laden was within reach of two weapons when U.S. forces found him in the main building of his compound in northern Pakistan, Fox News has learned. Though bin Laden was unarmed, Fox News was told earlier in the week that he appeared to be reaching for a weapon before he was fatally shot.

The senior U.S. official also told Fox News that only one of the five people killed in the raid was carrying a weapon and firing. The detail seemed at first to diverge from White House accounts claiming the Navy SEALs encountered resistance throughout the raid and were engaged in a firefight during much of the 40-minute operation.

White House and Defense Department and CIA officials through the week have offered varying versions of the operation, though the dominant focus was on the firefight.

I don't give a damn if they were armed or unarmed, or if they put up a fight, I don't care if bin Laden was reaching for his teddy bear or a AK-47, or if bin Laden was sleeping on 400 or 600 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, I couldn't care less whether or not the SEALs smoked cigars and listened to rock-a-billy in the helicopters on the way home. I hope they did. Hell, I wish I was there to hand out the cigars and shake their hands.

I have no sympathy for these murderers and neither should you. If given a chance, they would order someone else to KILL EACH AND EVERY ONE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP for simply not following their radical brand of fascist Islamic beliefs.

I'm only sorry we didn't have the opportunity to kill more of them in the raid. Hopefully the intelligence we gathered will lead us to more compounds where these cowardly fascist bastards live so we can slip in and slaughter them in their pajamas with extreme prejudice.

Sleep well f@#kers, keep one eye open.

Biden amazed bin Laden raid plans kept secret

At the beginning of remarks this evening to the Atlantic Council, an international policy group, Vice President Joe Biden voiced amazement that the plans for the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound remained secret.

"There was such an absolute overwhelming desire to accomplish this mission that although for over several months we were in the process of planning it and there were as many as 16 members of Congress who were briefed on it - not a single solitary thing leaked."

"I find that absolutely amazing," said Biden to applause from his audience.

The key to this being kept secret...they didn't tell Joe about the raids until they had already been executed. Quite frankly, I'm surprised he didn't then go on to give a shout out to all the members of SEAL Team 6, BY NAME, mentioning how relieved their WIVES and CHILDREN were that they returned safely.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Man Live-Tweets U.S. Raid on Osama bin Laden Without Knowing It

Sohaib Athar, a resident of Abbottabad, Pakistan, spent Sunday's wee hours tweeting about helicopters circling overhead and a mysterious blast. Little did he imagine that he was recording the U.S. attack on the world's most wanted terrorist.

On his Twitter page, Athar (@ReallyVirtual) describes himself as "an IT consultant taking a break from the rat-race by hiding in the mountains with his laptops." But this weekend, he found himself at the center of the action. At about 1 a.m. local time on Sunday, Athar tweeted about a "helicopter hovering above Abbottabad (a rare event)," later joking that he might have to make use of his "giant swatter."

Later, our unsuspecting witness caught wind of the news that the noise wasn't for nothing. "Uh oh, now I'm the guy who liveblogged the Osama raid without knowing it," he finally recognized. "And here come the mails from the mainstream media… *sigh*." So much for achieving anonymity in the mountains.

Oops. Start the clock on this guy's 15 minutes of fame. I wonder how long it will take for him to get to a million followers? 65,246 at 1400 CDT.

Osama bin Laden's last residence not getting good reviews

Robert - May 2, 2011
I can't see anything there's 18 foot walls all around me and no windows facing anything good. This place is a dump, plus it smells like old laundry. I guess I feel pretty secure tho with the 18 foot walls, oh wait here comes 40 navy seals with sub-machine guns

Clay - May 2, 2011
Disappointed in the service. The only thing on the menu was goat flesh, and the place reeked of burning garbage.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Guess who else had a death announcement on May 1st?

May 1st, 1945: Germany announces Hitler is dead.

Adolf Hitler has been killed at the Reich Chancery in Berlin, according to Hamburg radio.

At 2230 local time a newsreader announced that reports from the Fuhrer's headquarters said Hitler had "fallen at his command post in the Reich Chancery fighting to the last breath against Bolshevism and for Germany".

2230 local time? That's when I learned Usama bin Laden was dead.
Stalin and Hitler will now have to clear out some space to make room for their new roommate.

He's dead Jim

The brave men of SEAL Team 6 took out Usama bin Laden this weekend. Nine and a half years after he organized the murders of Americans across the eastern seaboard we finally got him.

I hope today we can start a new era of understanding between radical Islam and the rest of the world. We will not tolerate fascism and that we will continue to have the resolve to find you and kill you if you continue Usama bin Laden's work. Come to the table of peace and find your way in this world.

Pakistan, I'm going to need a gesture on your part to make me feel like you are WITH us in this fight against fascism. What do you say?

Out of work Ninja