Friday, June 20, 2008

Welcome to Summer


People around the world have observed spiritual and religious seasonal days of celebration during the month of June. Most have been religious holy days which are linked in some way to the summer solstice. On this day, typically JUN-21, the daytime hours are at a maximum in the Northern hemisphere, and night time is at a minimum. It is officially the first day of summer. It is also referred to as Midsummer because it is roughly the middle of the growing season throughout much of Europe.
Your complete unofficial guide to the Summer Solstice

Sadly this is some pagan tree huggers dream girl. At least her underarms are shaved.

Good Bless America

Sarcasm Seen as Evolutionary Survival Skill


Humans are fundamentally social animals. Our social nature means that we interact with each other in positive, friendly ways, and it also means we know how to manipulate others in a very negative way.
Neurophysiologist Katherine Rankin at the University of California, San Francisco, has also recently discovered that sarcasm, which is both positively funny and negatively nasty, plays an important part in human social interaction.
So what?
I mean really, who cares? Oh for God's sake. Don't you have anything better to do that read this column?
Seriously your reading DDDN, you all must be degenerates. If Sarcasm is an evolutionary survival skill, I will out live cockroaches, as I have a highly evolved sense of sarcasm.

Open letter to the media

Friend: Jamie Lynn Spears gives birth to a girl

You blew it.
You had a chance to never report on the Spears family again.
They've all been out of the media for nearly 4 months. But no, you had to run this story. Why can't you let this be "just another teen mom" story and not report on it? The constant barrage of crap reporting like this has made America dumber.
Good work, you've idolized a teen out of control for the ump-teenth time and it has so infected the population that even little girls in Gloucester, Massachusettes think it's a good idea to be teen moms EN MASSE.
Clean up your act before we are all doomed.

Signed,
Devil Dog Daily News Editorial Staff

Russian spa unveils enema monument


MOSCOW - A monument to the enema, a procedure many people would rather not think about, has been unveiled at a spa in the southern Russian city of Zheleznovodsk. The bronze syringe bulb, which weighs 800 pounds and is held by three angels, was unveiled at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa, the spa's director said Thursday.
"There is no kitsch or obscenity, it is a successful work of art," Alexander Kharchenko told The Associated Press. "An enema is almost a symbol of our region."
You don't see that everyday.
A symbol of your region...I'm glad Oklahoma is known for it's Native Americans, Oil industry, and it's Spirit of Adventure and not it's toothless-meth-using-backward-assed-kid-murding-hicks, tornados and noodlin'.
If that don't scare the crap out of you, nothing will.

AP: China admits taking, burying US POW


WASHINGTON - After decades of denials, the Chinese have acknowledged burying an American prisoner of war in China, telling the U.S. that a teenage soldier captured in the Korean War died a week after he "became mentally ill," according to documents provided to The Associated Press.
"According to the Chinese, Sgt. Desautels became mentally ill on April 22, 1953, and died on April 29, 1953," the summary said. It added that he had been buried in a Chinese cemetery but the grave was moved during a construction project "and there is no record of where Desautels' remains were reinterred."
The reported circumstance of Desautels' death — sudden mental illness — may sound improbable. But the key revelation — that he was taken from North Korea to a city in northeastern China and then buried — matches long-held U.S. suspicions about China's handling, or mishandling, of American POWs during and after the war.
We will never forget.

Obama, Hillary Clinton to campaign together


CHICAGO - Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama's campaign announced Friday that he will campaign with former rival Hillary Rodham Clinton next week, a step toward unifying a fractured Democratic Party after a bruising primary fight.
So basically if you didn't want Hillary to be president now you have her campaigning for your nominee and vise versa. CHICAGO - Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama's campaign announced Friday that he will campaign with former rival Hillary Rodham Clinton next week, a step toward unifying a fractured Democratic Party after a bruising primary fight. I find it ironic.

w00t! It's Back Bitches!

The Daily Dumb Ass is back!

1st up: Illiterate Bank Robber! :)
Enjoy

Thursday, June 19, 2008

This story brought to you by The letters P M I T A and the deadly sin GREED

Nearly 300 arrested in mortgage probe

WASHINGTON - More than 400 real estate industry players have been indicted since March — including dozens over the last two days — in a Justice Department crackdown on incidents of mortgage fraud nationwide that have contributed to the country's housing crisis.
Deputy Attorney General Mark Filip (R) and FBI Director Robert Mueller arrive at a press conference to announce the results of a national mortgage fraud enforcement operation at the Justice Department in Washington, June 19, 2008.


Related to this: Former Bear Stearns hedge fund managers indicted

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Two former Bear Stearns hedge fund managers were arrested and indicted on securities fraud charges on Thursday following a federal criminal probe into the collapse of two funds they oversaw.
I'm a little surprised it took so long to figure out something was amiss, aka someone broke the law.
The best part: The will face some fines and maybe a couple years in Federal PMITA prison.

Greed

Once the hippest toy around, Hula Hoop turns 50


The hoopla began 50 years ago Thursday when entrepreneurs Richard Knerr and Arthur "Spud" Melin sought a trademark for a plastic cylinder based on a similar toy that had enjoyed modest success in Australia's school yards.
The Hula Hoop became so ubiquitous that the former Soviet Union banned the toy as a symbol of the "emptiness of American culture."
You know you've made a big hit when an entire country bans your toy. Stupid communists.

Pwned'em like the Lakers


KANDAHAR, Afghanistan (Reuters) - Afghan and NATO-led forces killed or wounded hundreds of Taliban on Thursday in an offensive to clear the militants from the outskirts of Kandahar city, according to the provincial governor.
On Thursday, Afghan and mostly Canadian NATO forces attacked enemy positions, having used helicopter gunships at the start of what had shaped up to be one of the biggest battles in Afghanistan in recent years.
Good work boys. I think I'm going to coin the headline as a new phrase.

Orlando has a Ninja problem


ORLANDO, Fla. -- Several men dressed in ninja costumes forced people into a cooler at gunpoint during the fourth robbery of a Central Florida drug store in a week.
The latest robbery happened at a CVS Pharmacy located on Conroy Windermere and Dr. Phillips roads in Orange County Tuesday.
See there? Pirates don't behave this way.
With video goodness, hint: the ninjas you aren't supposed to see are dress in black.

Foot Watch: Number six washes up in Campbell River


CAMPBELL RIVER - A human foot was discovered on the Tyee Spit Wednesday morning just north of the Argonaut Wharf, according to a Campbell River Mirror news story.
The foot was discovered at about 10:30 a.m. by a woman picking rocks on the ocean side of the spit. The woman asked Sandra Malone, manager of the Thunderbird RV Park, to call the police, who shortly arrived with a forensics team.
Ummm, WTF?

Also, Foul play ruled out in B.C.'s missing feet saga

Woman Smokes Cigarette on Plane, Punches Flight Attendant


A plane was diverted to Denver International Airport after a passenger allegedly started smoking a cigarette, verbally attacked a flight attendant, and then punched her in the face on board a flight traveling from San Francisco to New York.
I guess she just really had to have a cigarette. Welcome to the "no fly" list.

Irony is a bitch


WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Americans drove 1.4 billion fewer highway miles in April than they did in April 2007, the Department of Transportation said Wednesday.
Good job drivers, yeah you!!

Peters expressed concern that the cutbacks have resulted in the collection of fewer taxes on gasoline. Such taxes are funneled to the federal Highway Trust Fund, which gets 18.4 cents per gallon from gasoline and 24.4 cents per gallon from diesel fuel.
What the? So are they gonna raise taxes? I thought they wanted us to use less?

UH student ends up with a shot at the RPS championship


Leshem says he takes a Jedi approach to RPS.
"I try to read my opponent's thoughts before my opponent even has them," Leshem said.
Win, he can, with that approach, yes.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

PWNED, bwahahahahahaha


BOSTON - The Boston Celtics won their 17th NBA title in relentless fashion, trouncing the L.A. Lakers 131-92 to win the NBA Finals in six games. It's the Celtics' first title in 22 years, dating back to the Larry Bird era.
Paul Pierce, who's spent his entire career wearing Celtic green, was named MVP of the finals. He scored 17 in the clinching win, but averaged more than 21 points in the NBA Finals.
June 17th, the Celtics win their 17th championship.
All references to Koby being the next Michael Jordan END NOW.

What the hell is up with the weather?


GULFPORT, Ill. - Floodwaters breached two levees in western Illinois on Wednesday, and the federal government warned that 20 to 30 more levees may overflow along the Mississippi River.
News flash. If you live on the Mississippi River move...or start filling sandbags NOW.
Standby for news from New Orleans and their cries for more federal assistance.

Tiger Woods to have season-ending knee surgery


Tiger Woods is done for the year, but not without one last major that he said might have been his best ever.
Bummer, all that time to spend with his kids and wife....how disappointing.
Remember Carl Spackler from Caddyshack.
"What you've got to do is cut the hamstring on the back of his leg right at the bottom. He'll never play golf again, because his weight displacement goes back, all his weight is on his right foot, and he'll push everything off to the right. He'll never come through on anything. He'll quit the game."
Get well Tiger.

Giselle, mmmmmmm


No news...just Giselle.

Good news on the job front


WASHINGTON - Nearly one-third of the country's top executives expect to cut payrolls in the coming months, reflecting fallout from the housing bust as well as soaring energy prices.
At the same time, a survey by the Business Roundtable, released Wednesday, showed that most executives expect sales and capital investment to remain at current levels or even improve over the next six months.
How about that? So their bonuses will go up too. Wow that's excellent news!!!111
/sarcasm

See a Huge Moon Illusion Wednesday Night


As the full moon rises this Wednesday evening, June 18, many people will be tricked into thinking it's unusually large.
The moon illusion, as it's known, is a trick in our minds that makes the moon seem bigger when it's near the horizon. The effect is most pronounced at full moon. Many people swear it's real, suggesting that perhaps Earth's atmosphere magnifies the moon.
The moon pic above reminds Fritz of his days on Brokeback mountain. And seeing "huge moons" reminds him of his days in the bath houses.

Afghan, NATO troops kill 36 Taliban near Kandahar


ARGHANDAB, Afghanistan - Afghan and Canadian forces moved into a series of villages outside of southern Afghanistan's largest city Wednesday to root out any Taliban militants there, while an explosion elsewhere killed four British soldiers, officials said.
The Taliban are about to hurt and hurt bad. Lots of action coming in Afghanistan right now.

Gotta love seeing Landies load for bear.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Wow! 17.69 (US$) per gallon


A Devon petrol station has been charging £1.99 a litre - more than £9 a gallon - as nearly 400 forecourts in the county suffered dwindling supplies.
The Foxhayes station at Exwick, near Exeter, said it had put all petrol and diesel prices up to conserve stocks.
About 380 filling stations have experienced supply problems or closed altogether, business leaders said.
Stand by for rationing mates, jolly good.

Hot for Teacher, Buffalo, New York Style


A missing 14-year-old student and his female teacher both have been found safe — he in a Hamburg mall, she found sleeping in her car in Springville.
Nicholas G. DeJesus, a South Buffalo Charter School student from West Seneca, had been missing since he left the school on South Park Avenue without permission Monday afternoon.
Teacher Cara Dickey, 29, of Clarence had been escorted from the school after her suspension Monday morning.
Well, you can definately see what he saw in her. I am now convinced this happens in EVERY SCHOOL we only hear about the ones that get caught.
Best of all.....
To her husband: Dude...you must be doing something wrong.

Bye Willie


ANAHEIM, Calif. - After weeks of speculation that his job was in jeopardy, Willie Randolph finally got fired by the New York Mets while most fans were sleeping.
A preseason favorite to win the NL pennant, the $138 million Mets (34-35) had won two in a row when Randolph was dismissed early Tuesday morning — making him the first big league manager to get fired this season.
What do you do, as a manager, when your players STOP playing? The Padres are having the same issues.

Foot watch, Number 5 shows up no Canada coast


VANCOUVER, British Columbia - A fifth human foot in a year has washed ashore off the coast of British Columbia, and this time it's a left one.
Funny how no one has stepped (hahaha stepped, get it? you use your feet to...) forward to say, "my brother has been missing, is that his foot?"
It's only a matter of time before an entire person washes up.

Toyota hybrid battery outpaced by demand


TOKYO - Toyota is struggling to keep up with booming demand for its hybrid vehicles because it can't make enough of the batteries that are key parts in the hit "green" cars, a senior executive said Monday.
The crunch is likely to remain the rest of the year, as battery production can't be boosted until next year, said Toyota Motor Corp. Executive Vice President Takeshi Uchiyamada, who oversees production at Japan's top automaker.
Picture caption: "Hahaha, I can't cash my checks fast enough!!!111," said Toyota Motor Corp. Executive Vice President Takeshi Uchiyamada.
It must feel good to have a product you are ABSO-TIVELY POSSiTIVE will make loads of cash in the coming year.

According to this article, you can thank Chevron for the death of electic cars.

FDA: Part of Mexico cleared in salmonella probe


WASHINGTON - One part of Mexico — Baja California — has been cleared of suspicion in the outbreak of salmonella-tainted tomatoes, which U.S. officials said Monday now has sickened 277 people.
Had tomatoes on my Subway sandmich yesterday. The Sonic drive-in wasn't serving tomatoes, though.

Leona Helmsley's well-heeled dog loses $10 million


NEW YORK - Leona Helmsley's dog isn't quite as well-heeled as she used to be.
Manhattan Surrogate Judge Renee Roth has reduced the trust fund for the little dog, named Trouble, from $12 million to $2 million.
Helmsley became known as the "queen of mean" during her 1989 trial for tax evasion. A former housekeeper testified that she heard Helmsley say: "We don't pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes."
The money is reported here as going to charity but some of it is going to a few disaffected grand children as well according to Fox News last night.